Anything else?

i was calling out your name again last night.
I'm not sure if it was because I ate watermelon, or the fact that you said we would still be close...
But we're not.

I know him because of the polar ice gum he always has in his truck.
And his hands, how different they were.

And she...
She always told me I'd feel better in the morning...
And I always believed her until now.

Naustalgic Euphoria

it just fits

nos·tal·gia

näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə/

noun

1. a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

eu·pho·ri·a

yo͞oˈfôrēə/

noun

1. a feeling or state of intense excitement and happines

gravity

grav·i·ty

ˈɡravədē/

noun

1. 1.

   PHYSICS

   the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. For most purposes Newton's laws of gravity apply, with minor modifications to take the general theory of relativity into account.

Heart

if I showed you your heart

would you recognize it?

Or would you be too scared to accept 

That broken down, torn up, piece of meat?

I hope, with all of my might,

That if you ever see your heart,

You will see it for the heart that it really is.. 

Gold, warm, and beautiful.

We were sitting...

..in my car. That "all weather" type of song was on 

and it was just you in your grass-stained shoes, 

and me in my Chaco sandals. 

I wanted to hold your hand and I could tell you wanted to hold mine.

So we ventured out of the car on the crisp afternoon,

The kind where you can almost feel the winter

Speeding toward you.

We stuffed our chilly hands

Deep into our pockets.

We walked down that long

Winding

Dirt road

Until we practically forgot the world.

That was when you held my hand.

But it was still cold so we stuffed it into my coat pocket.

I couldn't remember how we got there...

All I knew,

Was that I was just existing with you.

If you really knew me // REVEAL

hi.
my name is addie spencer.
i love driving.
i don't usually hang out with other people.
and i enjoy spending time in really comfy clothes.

if you really knew me, you would know that my sister and i used to be enemies but now we are inseparable.
my brother and i are just the opposite.

if you really knew me, you would know that i am scared of being alone...
especially when it gets dark and my mind starts to wander...
and i get a bit nervous...

if you really knew me, you would know that when i buy clothes, they all tend to be similar in color... and that i prefer gold jewelry to silver.

i may be plain on the outside but my soul is a neon-pinkish-blackish-gold.
and it eeks out all of the colors my words wish to bleed.

if you really knew me, you would know that i love getting cute notes
and that i feel more comfortable hanging out with boys...
than girls.

if you really knew me, you would know that i feel as though i am digging to the bottom of my soul... but i know i am only scratching the surface...

this is me i guess
...enjoy :)

Food for Thought

he's not even paying attention
his headphones pull at his thoughts..
he doesn't even try to think anymore...
just losing his mind to the sound.
but who can blame him.
we all seek escape.
we all find it in some sort of release.
an outlet......... isn't an outlet so,etching that gives?
it gives electricity, light... answers.
maybe all this time our outlets have been what has powered us.
just food for thought......
a head resting in a shoulder...
on the shoulder of someone ignoring the noise with more noise.
on the shoulder of someone i saw at the airport...

Numb

You're sitting in the drivers seat. 

Cigarette between your lips.

I'm breathing through the window.

Aching for you to let me back into your arms once more. 

Why do I do this to myself? 

Why do I keep coming back to this..... this mess of a person barely hanging on to reality. 

Maybe I should give up or move on but something keeps me here... 

something in your eyes keeps my gaze... 

I want to break into your mind. 

Let me see your thoughts... 

let me feel your blackened heart... 

your whisp of a soul... 

come back... 

please.... 

it doesn't have to be like this... 

not for you... 

I thought I loved you, but 

now I know I do... 

and I am afraid.

d r o w n i n g

lungs begin to spasm.
aching for air.
haughtiness and pride keep their cries from being heard.
no sign of letting up.
diving deeper.
deeper...
until they refuse to try... my lungs.

these lungs are me.

i am drowning.
i was drowning.
and these waves have me believing that i will continue to drown.

drowning. deep down in your twisted words.

i am drowning. 

and robots, as far as i am aware, do. not. drown.

N. Y. C.

I 

miss

my

CONCRETE

canyons

Airplane mode

They make you turn everything off.

Phone signals and smoking urges.

I guess that isn't everything...

They can't turn off words.

Words.

Can.

Be.



Always.

I can write them, think them, draw them.
I can breathe them, smell them, tell them.
I can throw them, know them, blow them away...

But eye never can seam too fit them inn just the write weigh.

Popcorn

"I'm sorry" he said, resting his worn tired hand on her frail knee. "Oh yeah? Tell that to her." She said sassily, pointing to me. I was kneeling down cleaning up a spilled cup of popcorn off of the floor. What must it be like to be old? It must be very similar to the way we all started out this life. Helpless, messy, and fragile. "Good show!" She said as I finished cleaning up the popcorn crumbs. I hope I never get too old to remember the days when I was young.

Silver Wings

broken soul

silver wings

chipping paint

washed clean

cracked skin

soft bleed

tight lies

no glean

love cured

eyes shut

sharp knife

head rush

let go

bad luck

healing

we built a castle

Do you remember that one winter day when it felt like summer?

The day...

we woke up and couldn't care less about what we looked like.

The day...

we swore we wouldn't forget, but could hardly remember why.

The day...

we realized we were getting older and that it was starting to show.

The day...

we overslept and still had extra time.

The day...

we completely forgot about the word trust.

The day...

 we built a castle with the bricks they threw at us.

Love is a lie

But it's the most beautiful lie that you have ever been told. And I am so scared of the truth. I regret saying those three words. I was so blind. But then... So were you. I have never been in love and don't know how I ever could be. Whatever love is. Who knows? I have heard it is different for everyone. Love sucks. Love is pretty. Love hurts. Love grows. Love dies... Love is lost........ Lost in the eyes, the heart, and the soul. Endlessly searching for more and more until there is nothing left. No more. And all that you thought was yours... is gone. It was never yours and you knew that. You knew all along that you were never safe from anyone or anything. And even when you thought you were a locked cage, you were an open book and who couldn't help but take from you...

He

He was blue and kind. The moment you looked... You saw him.

His army green jacket and Sperry shoes.

His obsession with words and sounds.

Not too much, just enough... Not too little either.

He had this way... 

This way of connecting...

 Connecting to the mountain air and crisp mornings in the trees.

He loved his right hand...

And was indifferent about his left.

I can't decide if he is short or tall.

He had this air about him.

Calm and conquering at the same time...

He had the same love for wool and socks as I do...

And the same taste in music... Almost.

And he was clear, even if his eyes weren't.

And that's not even scratching the surface...

a precious soul

the world lost a precious soul today... at least i got a chance to say goodbye.

standing next to her bed, her stoic presence still filling the room, and yet we were hollow inside.

my head begins to throb from holding back so many tears. now was not the time... wait til you get in the car... just a few more steps...

........

i did not want this to be a depressing blog about death, breakups and heartache... but it is the only thing i know right now.

........

so here i am. riding home. crying silent tears under my hat in the backseat. thinking back to all of the goodbyes i have had to say... and i am the worst with goodbyes... so why should i have to say so many?

i tell my self to be strong.

i love you and that is all that matters. take care. i will see you soon.

xoxo
carsyn

8 letters

8 letters is "I love you"

8 soft taps on your neck as I breathe into your mouth.

You don't seem to notice as you breathe deep into my soul... As I silently confess my love through only touch...

8 letters.

8 letters is "I miss you"

8 times I tried to reach you but only emptiness on the other side... The vacancy of our long goodbye in my mind. I guess it wasn't so long in yours.

8 times you hurt me without even knowing it... I miss you... I hate to say I miss the way it hurt.

8 things I regret. Things that could have saved it all. Things that could have kept everything the same if I had only used my mind before my mouth.

8 letters...

8 letters is "bullcrap"

8 stupid mistakes I made that can never be undone. 8 letters was the time we lasted... 8 times it was my fault... 8 letters... The whole time... I should have known that it was over when you forgot me. That your heart was never mine, but mine was always yours. I should have known... 8 letters...

I love you... I miss you... But it was all a silly lie... It was all bullcrap.

Now...

I just need to be stronger than ever before.

I'll make it. Just you wait.

........

carsyn 

Innntro

i have had seventeen years to get to know myself. 

i have made zero progress.

i still can't even decide if i like chocolate ice cream or vanilla.

or if i even like ice cream at all.

seventeen years to be the best me and the worst me.

to fall in love and out of it.... again and again... 

but who knows if its even love anyway...

well... i guess this is more of a welcome than an intro.

welcome to my world. 

welcome to who i think i am. 

who i want to be. 

and who i am not.

welcome to my seemingly endless stream of nothingness.

it means more to me than one would assume.

welcome to the lies. the truth. and the unknown...

welcome to me.

i am the love of all things green and growing.

the most perfect adventure through the trees.

i am apart of the the earth and the earth is apart of me...

though i can't seem to figure out how.

i find my paris... in the rain. in over-sized sweaters and wool socks. in a big blue chair next to the fireplace with blankets putting me softly to sleep. in long drives on dirt roads with nowhere to go. nowhere to be. just my music and me...

i am sorry.

sorry for the way i am...

but it is all i ever was.

........

carsyn