Silver Wings

broken soul

silver wings

chipping paint

washed clean

cracked skin

soft bleed

tight lies

no glean

love cured

eyes shut

sharp knife

head rush

let go

bad luck

healing

we built a castle

Do you remember that one winter day when it felt like summer?

The day...

we woke up and couldn't care less about what we looked like.

The day...

we swore we wouldn't forget, but could hardly remember why.

The day...

we realized we were getting older and that it was starting to show.

The day...

we overslept and still had extra time.

The day...

we completely forgot about the word trust.

The day...

 we built a castle with the bricks they threw at us.

Love is a lie

But it's the most beautiful lie that you have ever been told. And I am so scared of the truth. I regret saying those three words. I was so blind. But then... So were you. I have never been in love and don't know how I ever could be. Whatever love is. Who knows? I have heard it is different for everyone. Love sucks. Love is pretty. Love hurts. Love grows. Love dies... Love is lost........ Lost in the eyes, the heart, and the soul. Endlessly searching for more and more until there is nothing left. No more. And all that you thought was yours... is gone. It was never yours and you knew that. You knew all along that you were never safe from anyone or anything. And even when you thought you were a locked cage, you were an open book and who couldn't help but take from you...

He

He was blue and kind. The moment you looked... You saw him.

His army green jacket and Sperry shoes.

His obsession with words and sounds.

Not too much, just enough... Not too little either.

He had this way... 

This way of connecting...

 Connecting to the mountain air and crisp mornings in the trees.

He loved his right hand...

And was indifferent about his left.

I can't decide if he is short or tall.

He had this air about him.

Calm and conquering at the same time...

He had the same love for wool and socks as I do...

And the same taste in music... Almost.

And he was clear, even if his eyes weren't.

And that's not even scratching the surface...

a precious soul

the world lost a precious soul today... at least i got a chance to say goodbye.

standing next to her bed, her stoic presence still filling the room, and yet we were hollow inside.

my head begins to throb from holding back so many tears. now was not the time... wait til you get in the car... just a few more steps...

........

i did not want this to be a depressing blog about death, breakups and heartache... but it is the only thing i know right now.

........

so here i am. riding home. crying silent tears under my hat in the backseat. thinking back to all of the goodbyes i have had to say... and i am the worst with goodbyes... so why should i have to say so many?

i tell my self to be strong.

i love you and that is all that matters. take care. i will see you soon.

xoxo
carsyn

8 letters

8 letters is "I love you"

8 soft taps on your neck as I breathe into your mouth.

You don't seem to notice as you breathe deep into my soul... As I silently confess my love through only touch...

8 letters.

8 letters is "I miss you"

8 times I tried to reach you but only emptiness on the other side... The vacancy of our long goodbye in my mind. I guess it wasn't so long in yours.

8 times you hurt me without even knowing it... I miss you... I hate to say I miss the way it hurt.

8 things I regret. Things that could have saved it all. Things that could have kept everything the same if I had only used my mind before my mouth.

8 letters...

8 letters is "bullcrap"

8 stupid mistakes I made that can never be undone. 8 letters was the time we lasted... 8 times it was my fault... 8 letters... The whole time... I should have known that it was over when you forgot me. That your heart was never mine, but mine was always yours. I should have known... 8 letters...

I love you... I miss you... But it was all a silly lie... It was all bullcrap.

Now...

I just need to be stronger than ever before.

I'll make it. Just you wait.

........

carsyn